Psychotic Spouse Test

Image By: micahb37

(Excerpt From Facebook Ate My Marriage.  Republished with permission from Hell Bent Press and the Author)

Chapter 18:  Progress on the Genetic Test and No More Letters

I am pleased to report that we have developed the first testing kit for the psychotic or schizophrenic indicators in future spouses. You simply swab the inside of their mouth, place the swab in an agar filled test tube, cap it, and mail it to our testing center in a postage paid envelope. The entire test costs only $200, and we guarantee to report back to you in 2 weeks with the results.

Perhaps it will occur to you to question what sort of breakthrough we have arrived at, being able to identify key genetic indicators of psychosis and schizophrenia in future spouses. The variables may seem mind boggling. What with the entirety of the human genome project data out there, and various highly funded research facilities, what advance did we make that the others have not? I can answer you with complete frankness, we have made none whatsoever.

Having read the available data, and considered the costs of running a laboratory, we determined it was more effective and honest to simply develop an accurate report and hire an exceptional attorney. So our report that we send to everyone reads in part that there is “A better than 50 percent probability that the test subject on which genetic information was submitted will experience debilitating mental illness within a 20 year time span.”

We chuck the test tube and sample in the dumpster out back, and send the letter. Everyone is happy. Right now, we have three major pharmaceutical companies interested in our company. You see, pharmaceutical companies value a good lawyer’s writing over an exceptional researcher’s hard labor. This project, based on how it is marketed and guaranteed, turns out to be more legal than the current round of drugs being used to treat impotence.

Unrelated but similarly perverse has been the cessation of letters from the association and its compliance officer Audrey Towbridge. It seems Audrey has been too busy these last few weeks to write anyone. No, she is not foaming at the mouth and twitching in a nearby hospital or hospice. She is taking Alexander walkies.

Yes, dear reader, screwed by evolution once again. Were Audrey Towbridge to have been the first to climb down from the trees, it would seem that we would all be taking large carnivores walkies to watch them crap. I expect it has something to do with Audrey’s homicidal tendencies that makes lesser animals compliant. Whatever the reason, the possum, whom Audrey insists is a variant of a Toy Fox Terrier, makes a distressing hissing noise in my direction when Audrey brings him over to crap in my yard. I respond with a long drag on my cigar and a stream of smoke that causes Alexander to flair his nostrils. I expect he feels hard done by having been tethered to Audrey Towbridge. Lest the little beast ever get off that lead, I have taken to carrying a nine iron, as I expect that animal will make a beeline for me with murderous intent. Perverse outcomes, you have to love them.

 


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