Image by Genista
(Excerpt From Facebook Ate My Marriage. Republished with permission from Hell Bent Press and the Author)
Chapter 17: Evolution Revisited – Mrs. Audrey Towbridge
This morning a rabid possum was standing at my front door, circling listlessly and seemed to be breathing its last. Given my experience with Mr. Bunns, the Ubber rabbits and the death of Frank Towbridge, it might seem to you that I would on this occasion, let nature run its course. Under most circumstances that would be true. But you have not read my most recent mail. Mrs. Audrey Towbridge, unrestrained by a small dog to watch crap or a husband to kill, has given full vent to her spleen in a series of letters, memorandums and notices that have covered the entirety of our neighborhood.
My letter read as follows: [Note: I have already told the association my wife no longer resides here and Audrey Towbridge was sent a copy of that notice.]
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lynn:
Despite my cautionary notice, you have not corrected compliance issues related to your side and back lawn. After inspection of the property, I have identified 14 major noncompliance issues listed on the attached form. You have 30 days to correct these, or fines, sanctions and other actions authorized under the charter of the Balboa Pines Subdivision Home Owners Association West 1 will be pursued.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
This, once again in that tight script, on her personal stationary as is the list, whose compliance corrections will run to several thousand dollars at least. So it would appear that a Lynn must once again tamper with the evolutionary process and take matter back to their earliest point; to when our ancestors first climbed from the trees to watch quadrupeds crap.
Among my soon-to-be ex’s minor criminal acts, that is those that would be misdemeanors as opposed to full felonies, was the theft of an animal carrier from the vet’s office from which she got the Raptors – the three black cats, Thomas, Ginger and William – which I knew to be still setting in our garage. Rushing back into the house I retrieved the carrier, a leash, a long stick and some very thick gloves. At considerable risk to myself, I was going to attempt to help nature correct an evolutionary mistake and so I ushered the listless possum into the carrier. I slammed shut the door and catch, then proceeded to the Towbridge household. Audrey was, as expected, out on her golf cart doing property inspection. I considered a ribbon on top of the carrier and a note of condolence on Daisy with the suggestion that this animal might in some small way fill the space left by her, to be excessive, and too readily traceable. As it was DeeAnn’s fingerprints were the only ones on that carrier. So I left the carrier and the lead in the shade of her front door, in the hopes that like her genetic ancestors her need to see small quadrupeds crap would prompt her to open the carrier. With a little luck the damn thing would bite her. While it is certain that Audrey Towbridge has long since made her genetic contribution to humanity in the form of some spawn or offspring that is walking the earth somewhere, if this experiment proves successful I believe I will have the basis for a comprehensive and definitive statement on actual evolutionary theory and an applicable correction to this apparent error.
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Text Copyright 2011 Hellbent Press
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